20 Searches I’m Thankful For


happy thanksgivingIt’s almost Thanksgiving, the one day all year where we make a strong effort to stop the bitching and reflect on the blessings that were bestowed upon up this year. Though it hasn’t quite wrapped, 2009 has been one hell of a year for me personally. It’s the year Outspoken was born, the year I was forced to prove what I was really made of, and the year where I kept pointing to our Press page to prove to my parents I had a job. It was also a year where I laughed. A LOT.  Like, a lot a lot.

Today I thought I’d pay tribute to some of the zany Web searches that Outspoken Media sees that help keep me laughing.  It’s a little bit of fun before you’re forced to sit at a table with people you purposely avoid all year and secretly want to do horrible things to with rusty spoons. I mean…z0mg funny Web searches!

Here are my 20 favorite searches from the past month. Feel free to share some of the wacky searches people are using to find your own site. We’ll get a giggle chain going. [It’s not dirty, I promise.]

  1. [barone sox red variety outspoken media]: – First of all, WHAT THE HELL? Second, this phrase was searched on 14 times. Four. Teen. You people scare me a little.
  2. [how to protect my mac laptop from being stolen]: Simple. Just put it next to a blue Dell. History proves it will be the Dell that’s swiped, not the two Mac books that were sitting RIGHT NEXT TO IT.
  3. [lisa barone seth godin]: This isn’t really weird. It just amuses me. Still.
  4. [I hate bloggers]: Dude. Get in line.
  5. [site:outspokenmedia.com rainbows]: Puppies! Marshmallows! Baby feet! What? Actually, this search was probably me looking for something but it still makes me laugh.
  6. [there’s more to life than sex]: Yuh huh.
  7. [what to be remembered for]: Being awesome? Knee socks?  Your cars? I don’t know. You figure it out.
  8. [yelp is awesome]: Isn’t it so cute when you find Yelp employees conducting searches on the Internetz?
  9. [naked wemen]: If you can’t spell “women”, you don’t deserve Internet porn. Go read a book. Preferably one without pictures.
  10. [lisa barone you just suck]: I love you too, Internet! Kisses!
  11. [It’s not the size, it’s how you use it]: Probably the [naked wemen] dude a few hours later.
  12. [guy chat]: You can make your own joke. Mine aren’t publishable.
  13. [how much do I love you let me count the ways]: Most likely Ezra Butler hitting on me again. Good morning, beautiful.
  14. [leaving 9 to 5 world]: Hopefully we encouraged this dude out of corporate hell and didn’t scare him back into it.  Hang in there, man.
  15. [my computer was stolen, what do i need to do to proteck my self]: Based on the spelling of “proteck” and “my self”, we’ve decided this search is probably the work of Michael Streko.  In that case, you need to sign up more usernames.
  16. [painless ways to hurt yourself]: Right. And I’M the emoest emo in the land.
  17. [fb_addgravatar get_avatar]: I…um…have no idea what this means but it’s probably very smart.
  18. [lisa barone cupcake]: Don’t make me kick you in the teeth.
  19. [lisa on internet marketing]: Oprah’s retiring. I’m taking her slot and launching this show.
  20. [take advantage of online video marketing to increase your home care business clientele]: Behold! The 13-word search query!  I didn’t think those actually existed.

If you’re celebrating Thanksgiving this week, I hope it’s a great one filled with great memories, delicious turkey and lots of laughs.  If you’re not celebrating Thanksgiving this week…well, you’ll be greeted with a much quieter Internet. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.  Make sure to score yourself some pie, as well.

Happy Thanksgiving, Internet!

Your Comments

  • Brian L

    I get a few searches every month for [fat ass seo]

  • Eric Gehler

    “The 13-word search query!” — Holy triple letter word score Barone!!

  • netmeg

    The #2 search string for my .com site is “watching idiots” where I have maintained the top spot in Google all year. #5 is “idiots online”.

    #1 for the .org version is “how to roast a turkey”. Google conveniently tanked that search phrase for me last week, but it’s still on the first page for Yahoo & Bing.

    Oddly, I’m on the first page in Bing & the first Google Image for a make and model of car that I sold back in 2005. Love that minty freshness!

  • Todd Mintz

    I believe the correct phrase is “It’s not the size, it’s the frequency” :.)

    I get “Gay National Anthem” searches on my personal site all the time (having written about Marvin Gaye).

  • Bonnie

    Congratulations on a fabulous first year!

  • Dr. Pete

    The one I’m trying to figure out this month on my own site is: “dilbert usability poison”. On the bright side, I am still #1 for “x-wing targeting computer” – that brings in the big bucks, let me tell you.

  • Alan Bleiweiss

    so “Lisa Barone Cupcake” might be, oh, someone doing some detective work to find the reference’s you’ve made about cupcakes, so when they surprise you with one (or more?), they get it right. #JustSayin

    Lisa, of all the things I needed tonight, on the eve of thanksgiving, the one thing I got that I am most grateful for, was the gift of laughing out loud.

    The Lisa is teh awesome

  • SEOmofo

    [fb_addgravatar get_avatar]: I…um…have no idea what this means but it’s probably very smart.

    Very smart indeed.

    I was searching for [fb_addgravatar get_avatar] about a week ago, and here’s why:

    It all started when I noticed the default Gravatar on Outspoken Media is not the usual “Mystery Man” image–it is an image of your brand logo icon. I’ve always wanted to customize the default Gravatar on my site, but since the images were being pulled from gravatar.com, I assumed it wasn’t possible without some serious WP hacking. I inspected the image address for your logo icon and saw that it was being hosted at some kind of dynamic gravatar.com URL that contained your icon’s location (on outspokenmedia.com) as one of its parameters. So apparently, it’s possible to tell Gravatar where to pull your default image from?

    I could have just asked you directly, but I didn’t want to admit that you might know something I don’t, so I investigated further by searching for something like [custom default gravatar thesis]. Much to my surprise…one of the top results was this Outspoken article: Adding Custom Default Gravatars to Your Blog.

    The article included instructions for Thesis-based blogs that recommended adding this php code to the custom_functions.php file:

    /* Add a Custom Default Gravatar */
    if ( !function_exists(’custom_gravatar’) ) {
    function custom_gravatar( $avatar_defaults ) {
    $myavatar = get_bloginfo(’template_directory’) . ‘/custom/images/YOUR-CUSTOM-GRAPHIC-HERE.jpg’;
    $avatar_defaults[$myavatar] = ‘NAME-YOU-GIVE-YOUR-AVATAR’;

    return $avatar_defaults;
    add_filter( ‘avatar_defaults’, ‘fb_addgravatar’ );

    Unfortunately, this code didn’t work. After reading the comments on that article, I found out that this code doesn’t work for 2 reasons:

    1. WordPress has changed the regular quotation marks and apostrophes into the fancy versions, via their “smart quotes” functionality. These need to be replaced with their original non-fancy versions (i.e. straight quotes) after the code has been pasted into the php editor.

    2. The custom function was defined as custom_gravatar, but then when it was being “hooked” onto avatar_defaults, the custom function was referred to as fb_addgravatar. To correct this, the fb_addgravatar needs to be changed to custom_gravatar.

    After I edited my code and got it working, I studied the originally-recommended code and tried to figure out where fb_addgravatar came from. My first suspicion was that it was a copy/paste error caused by reusing the code from the non-Thesis recommendation, but that wasn’t the case since it only appeared in the Thesis code recommendation. So…I went to Google and searched for fb_addgravatar, to see if I could locate the original source.

    Unfortunately, this function name appeared on several different pages across many different websites. I still didn’t know if this was a well-known function name (e.g. written into the WP Codex or something) or just one man’s code being duplicated across the internet (I’ve heard that can be an issue sometimes).

    I know that many WP programmers will prefix their custom functions’ names with a specific word or character string (e.g. their name or the name of the plugin they’re programming), and then follow it with a phrase that describes the function’s behavior. The prefix helps human readers understand the scope of each function, and it also mitigates the chances of conflicting plugins. This led me to believe that the source of fb_addgravatar would probably have additional code samples containing fb_FUNCTION_NAME.

    The first Google result for fb_addgravatar was Add Avatar To WordPress Default, from a site called WPengineer.com. The author of this article was listed as “Frank,” which indicated that “fb” might be this author’s initials. I clicked on the site’s About link, and learned that one of the site’s authors is Frank Bültge, who writes about WordPress (in German) on several blogs and websites. Many of his other posts include custom functions whose names begin with fb_. And with that, the case was closed.

    I’m not completely sure if I was one of the people who searched for [fb_addgravatar get_avatar], but I know I searched for several queries that were very similar to it. In any case, this should shed some light on that query for you.

    P.S. I might also be responsible for searches #4, #10, #13, and #16.

    P.P.S. Ok, fine…and #11.

  • Data Entry Services

    Bummer, I don’t have any really funny examples. Enjoyed yours though!