10 OSM Searches I’m Thankful For


Happy Thanksgiving, friends!

It’s time to take stock of what we’re thankful, things that perhaps we don’t always appreciate the rest of the year. I know that here at Outspoken Media, one thing we’re most thankful for is you. We’re thankful for your support, that you hangout with us every week, and that some of you find us by searching the most ridiculous terms ever on the Internet. Yes, you.

Before we all gorge ourselves on turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie, I thought it might be fun to pay homage to some of the crazy ways you guys found Outspoken Media over the past couple of months.


Below are a handful of the searches folks used to find us over the past few months. They’re our favorite zany Web searches of the bunch. If you want to keep the giggle train going, feel free to share your own below.

[(not provided)] : Ha, you guys are so silly. Why on Earth would you be typing this into your search box to fin—oh wait. YOU’RE NOT! Thanks, Google! #totallynotbitter #wedontneedtoknowwhatyouresearchingfor #conversiondatawhat

[how to set up a proposal on social media for a company] : How are we supposed to help you if you can’t even explain what you’re looking for? A proposal on social media? For a company? Are you looking for a social media policy? Or one of our proposals we give to clients about how we’ll help them in social media? I’m so confused. Go do your search again because no one’s feeling lucky with that hot mess.

[chief brand officer job description] : Given the sheer number of times this was searched for, I’m pretty sure it’s my dad fruitfully trying to figure out what the hell it is I do for the millionth time. Don’t worry, Daddy, I’ll bring a flowchart to Thanksgiving dinner to help you figure it out. Again. And then we can have the exact same conversion when I come home for Christmas. This is why I drink.

[how to torment someone] : YOU ARE A BAD PERSON, Internet! Do you hear me? BAD!

[how do i know he’s the one] : Oh, honey. The Internet is not the place to find the answer to this question. This is why God created Lifetime movies. To show you the absolute worst humanity has to offer so that you feel better about your situation. I mean, it’s hard to be too down onyour life after you’ve spent two hours watching a movie about the mother of a high school cheerleader who is imprisoned after she gets pregnant by her daughter’s boyfriend and then sells the baby on the black market so her husband doesn’t find out. What? You know you’ve watched that one, too. Don’t judge me.

[what do customers want to see on a webpage] : Magic! And faeries! AND SPRINKLES! I have no idea what we’re talking about anymore.

[how to poop now] : I don’t really want to publicly admit how many DIFFERENT poop-related queries we have staring at us in our analytics but, well, it’s a lot. And it’s why we will never let Joe Hall guest post on our blog again. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, do a search for it. You’ll find it. And then I’ll make fun of you the NEXT time I do this blog segment.

[you may run like this, but look like this] : It’s simply unfair for this to appear in our logs WITHOUT an image or video to go along with it. Because in my mind there is a gif, and it’s hilarious. It may even include James VanDerBeek. [Bonus points if you can find the piece of media you think goes along with this query and post it in our comments. Extra bonus points if you create the video yourself.]

[life quotes to print lisa barone] : That’s it. In 2012 I will publish an 800-page hardcover book with my best compiled life quotes from the blog/Twitter. Don’t believe me? JUST WAIT!

[title for blog] : Like, are you asking me for suggestions? Okay. How to SEO an Artichoke? Oh, wait, that’s already taken. I’ll get back to you!

That’s it from us. What’s sitting in your analytics that always makes you laugh? Share it in the comments and we’ll see you next week.


Your Comments

  • Keith

    I would say hands down my favorite search is “Yahoo.com”…. in Google. I still can’t believe the insanely high volume of traffic that goes to Google each month only to type in verbatim the URL of a different search engine :)

  • Dan Padavona

    These are great! Very funny. And thanks for the blog post idea. We get some real doozies in Analytics too. I’ve shared them on our private forum for laughs, but they deserve public notoriety.

  • Lannon

    HAHAHA – How to poop now – I searched it and there it was, really, the fourth on the SRP on Google for me. Funny stuff, thanks for the laugh!

  • Laurie

    Great stuff, Lisa! I hope the “how to poop now” search wasn’t from a mobile device on a bus….

    I write a comedy/job search blog – here are some of my search term faves: “sex in the office” (one of my “workplace don’ts” lists), “brussel sprouts” (that must have been the sample cover letter for a vegan superhero), and Hillary cleavage (I used a Photoshopped pic of Hillary Clinton’s head perched on top of a boob shirt for one “”workplace don’ts” post). I know I’m not a guy, but it’s hard to imagine why anyone would want to do a search for Hillary’s cleavage.

  • Chris Winfield

    [how to make a good blog post out of something totally random]

  • Robert Brady

    My dad raises grass fed beef and every time I see [beef rump] in his analytics I laugh (even though it’s totally relevant).

  • Ryan

    This can be fun. Let’s see. This month alone I’ve gotten “religious nutjobs” , “am I handsome”, “how will america fall”, “tanning salon interview questions” (really, you’re studying for THAT job interview? wow!)

    “why is it ironic about how beowulf kills grendel’s monther?” (which, if you watched the movie instead of reading the play, you’d be WAY off because for some reason hollywood had him sleep with her instead of kill her)

    “cabin fever worst movie ever” – hey I agree! So many plot holes.

    and my favorite:
    “intext:seo+%22leave+a+comment%22” – damn you scrapebox spammers.

  • Joe Hall

    Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop. Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop.

    Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop.

    Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop.

    Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop. Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop.

    Ah! That feels better thanks!

  • Samir Balwani

    Please please please print an OSM Calendar with Life Quotes from the team. That would be epic.

  • Melanie Phung

    When I originally saw the link to this post pop up on Twitter, I just scanned “…Thankful For…” and skipped right past it. Didn’t need to read yet another post about giving thanks, next (and bah humbug)! Today, Joe tweeted something about “pooping all over Lisa’s comment” and of course I clicked. Glad I did; these were hilarious. And thanks should go to Joe, who seems to know what keywords trigger the click-through reflex in his audience :)

  • rumblepup

    ….Aaannnddd of course, I just HAD to sit here and search each one. Damn you Lisa The Pirate. Damn you.

  • Braden

    Recent nuggets on cookingthreetimes have included “leave me you suck” and “expensive quality mustache”.

  • Laurie

    A new one from yesterday: “wife cleavage work.” I get the “cleavage work,” but where does “wife” come in??